That earthquake could have been an email.
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Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck