Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.