in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.