“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”