I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You Might Also Like
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
☠️☠️☠️
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
this has to be peak English
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.