Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
You Might Also Like
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.