It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I bet birds love this building.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
These 3D printers are insane!
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower