*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I can also cook 😂
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE