Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Meow?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.