it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
You Might Also Like
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
ouch
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what