the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.