I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
You Might Also Like
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*looks at you in batman voice*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out