*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen