Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
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Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m dying louder than usual today.