Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
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my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Nose
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Best spot.. 😅
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.