I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no