My favorite sport ? Lasagna
You Might Also Like
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?