WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I think about this a lot
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning