(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
😏😏😏
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.