A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?