cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Pass gas, not judgment.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.