Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
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take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know