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I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
BaD BoY!!
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.