Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
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OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]