agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.