Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Harsh but fair
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.