“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
That de-escalated quickly
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.