If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
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Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.