Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
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The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.