North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.