Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons