Lmaoo 😂
You Might Also Like
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Why soy sad?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Just ordered me some pizza!