Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.