Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”