No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
sounds kinky. i’m in.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.