this is uni
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(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
😲 WTF? 😆
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I was bored.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*