[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
meow
Me when my alarm goes off
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Stop.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world