Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I am crying
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??