Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
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[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”