superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
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WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag