Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it鈥檚 the key to our happy marriage.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Why don鈥檛 you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I told someone that I鈥檇 be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o鈥檆lock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let鈥檚 test his motor skills
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII鈥h okay
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
One of the best
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Dear websites I don鈥檛 give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I鈥檓 not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella鈥檚 shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.