My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
For anyone who needs this today
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane