Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”