“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.