3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
This kid is a star!
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
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my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best