Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
welp
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.