My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Speak now or ever hold your peace