doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor