Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.