My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again